These Historical Figures Really Should Have Had Life Insurance

Which historical figures should have purchased a life insurance policy? TL;DR: All of them, as evidenced by the fact we’re calling them historical figures and not current figures. But that’s not why you’re here. So here are some of our favorites who really, really, really should have considered perusing the offerings from Ye Olde Bestow. Need for insurance ranked 1 to 5 💀s.

Marie Antoinette

Marie was the last Queen of France before the French Revolution. Let’s just say being the last wasn’t by choice. If you’re going to rule an unstable country, make sure to use your head. Or else the proletariat will take it.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀

Alexander Hamilton

A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R was a founding father of the United States and fought in the Revolutionary War. If that wasn’t excuse enough, he should have considered life insurance before going into a duel with Aaron Burr. Hey, at least the world knows his name.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀💀

Amelia Earhart

A pioneer and author, Earhart set many records for men and women alike. Not all records require a level of life-threatening danger. Of course, she wasn’t trying to break the record for number of jumping jacks in a minute. She wanted to circumnavigate the globe.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀½  


Oda Nobunaga

A warrior and Japanese daimyō, or feudal lord, Nobunaga is often regarded as one of the three unifiers of Japan. He didn’t do that without ruffling a few feathers. This fact and the samurai ritual for choosing honor over life both make coverage very important.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀

Jack Dawson

Alright, alright. Leo’s Titanic character wasn’t real. But Captain Edward Smith was! Pro tip: if you’re going to tempt fate by calling your ship unsinkable, get some life insurance first. 

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀½  

Harry Houdini

His hobbies included hanging from a skyscraper, wearing a straitjacket under water, being buried alive, escaping a sealed Chinese water torture cell, and getting dumped into a river in a box. But none of those killed Houdini. A punch from a college student did. He should have had coverage long before that.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀💀  

Marie Curie

The Nobel Prize winner led a life of amazing discoveries, pioneering research in physics and chemistry. She basically discovered radioactivity, so she didn’t quite know what it would do to her when exposed to it. We can’t fault her too much, but still.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀


She was 16 when she led Lewis and Clark across the North American wilderness. They call it the wilderness for a reason. Because it is actively trying to kill you. Even teenagers should get covered!

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀

Edward Teach aka Blackbeard

The notorious captain is the face of the “Golden Era of Piracy.” He actually spurned the use of violence, preferring to elicit fear with just his appearance. But that doesn’t mean anything when you’re robbing the British Empire. He got 5 bullets and 20 stab wounds to prove it.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀💀💀


Wives of King Henry VIII

This is cheating, but if you’re marrying someone famous for beheading wives, you might want to get that coverage.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀½ 

Women in Salem, Massachusetts

We know. We’re cheating again. But hear me out. Over two hundred people faced allegations of witchcraft in the course of a year. Almost 80% were women. I can think of a million reasons to get covered.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀

Bonus: Anyone Living Between 1347 and 1351

The Black Plague got between 75 and 200 million people. Nuff said.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 💀💀💀💀💀

Anti-Bonus: Rasputin

If there was anyone who didn’t need life insurance, it was probably the self-proclaimed holy man of Russia. He survived enough cyanide that many said could have killed five men. Then was beaten, shot, and then shot several more times before being dumped in a river. Even then, he only died from either drowning or hypothermia.

Need for Ye Olde Bestow: 🤷🤷🤷🤷🤷

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